Hello Option Traders,

Introduction

            It’s no secret that when the markets turn down and economic growth comes to a screeching halt, the crazies come out of the woodwork. For today’s fun and exciting edition of ‘OptionsBlog Live,’ I’ve decided that the U.S. economy just isn’t falling. In fact “global warming is destroying capitalism” and other ridiculous statements await you. Let’s countdown the daily roundup of apocalypse generating news and chalk all our worldly problems on the three ‘G’s: God, Glory, and Global Warming.

5 Signs of the Looming Market Apocalypse

            I hope everyone has their super-stock of canned vegetables in their storm cellar because we’re about to dive right into today’s news that proves doomsday is just around the corner. By the time I’m done with this review, I will have a ‘Global Warming Representative’ arrive at my desk wearing a solid black suit and mirror glasses. I can see it now; I’ll be restrained and taken into Arizona or someplace with a lot of sand (maybe Afghanistan, who knows) and will be told that global warming is here and my punishment will be to feel mother nature’s wrath. Someone will remove the blindfold (because I have to be blind folded to be sure I can’t see global warming coming at me) and will be left in the desert with nothing but a McDonalds to keep me company. There I will feel Mother Nature’s heat as I begin to break a sweat. “Wow, it sure is warm…in the desert,” I’m sure is something I will state as I slurp down a super-sized soda with ice.

            The doomsday device is here everyone. Be sure to sync and load up your iPod before we all start to sweat. This is real, people!

5. Paramount Pictures and the Tale of Childhood Memories

            Let’s start this countdown off with a ‘bang.’ Paramount Pictures has done some really stupid things in the past.  Jackass 1-3, Nacho Libre, Napoleon Dynamite, The Stepford Wives (remake), Zoolander, Pootie Tang, do I really need to go on? I haven’t even hit the bad stuff from the 90’s yet. However, there are a few decent movies to come out of the studio too. There are actually too many to list, but I’m sure you can use your imagination…and think real hard.

            This may shock, amaze, scare, frighten, disgust, or even condemn you, but Paramount is set to release a remake of Star Trek May 2009. Let that soak in for a moment…

            I have to get a few things out before I talk about the impact of this on the rest of the world. I am a total sci-fi geek. I loved the old Star Trek episodes with William Shatner, DeForrest Kelly, Leonard Nimoy, and all the others. To this day, I believe that series (the original) is by far the best of all the other Star Trek spinoffs. I am actually excited to see this remake and that’s the problem. I am a huge fan of the tv show Lost. J.J. Abrams, Lost Producer and Alias creator, is staged at the helm of this remake which actually gives me some hope that the movie will actually be pretty good. I hear that Leonard Nimoy actually makes a cameo. 

            The reason this is a sure sign of the apocalypse is the fact that they are remaking the original Star Trek tv series into a movie for 2009. Do you remember watching that show? Some do, some don’t. The concept is simple:

 

Capt. Kirk + Alien Women (Mudd * Likable Factor) / (Dr. McCoy * Spock) + Uhura (Interracial Kiss * William Shatner’s Ego) = 3 Seasons of Pure Childhood Memories.

            Now, imagine those memories. You remember? The light hearted humor, sarcasm, cranky ‘Bones,’ Roarin’ 20’s Fun, and all the other fun stuff that accompanied the show.

            Ok, take all those wonderful memories of the show and toss ‘em in the blender. You ain’t gonna use them after you see this movie. As a matter of fact, you’ll probably never watch another movie…ever. Hollywood took your show that would live in infamy with a legacy of increasingly older members of the Starship Enterprise spanning across 6 ½ movies and told you all your old memories are wrong.

            What’s next? Star Wars? Huh?! George Lucas is going to dump his stake of Star Wars in the hands of the next Hollywood ‘It’ guy and say, “Holy Crap! I’ve done it all wrong all these years. Please take my crappy movie and make it better. Ruin the lives of millions of fans everywhere and especially those kooks who started their own Jedi Church. I’m going to play with Lego’s. No calls!”

 

            NOTE: If you clicked the link above and saw what the new vision for Star Trek will be, I’m sure you’re either drooling at the hunky delight or washing your eyes out with bleach.

4. Henry Paulson’s Guide to Who Gets Money, When: Learn to Pick and Choose Who Lives and Who Dies; Just Like the Big Boys

            Imagine you are Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and you held the financial ‘life’ of thousands of companies in your hands. Would you play favorites?

 

If you said anything but “Yes,” then you just lied.

 

            The fact our Treasury Secretary and Fed. Chairman, Ben Bernanke, have as much power as Zeus is a seriously scary thought. Apparently, we have a strict policy in the United States to bail out banks since, of course, they loan money. Not only do they loan money, but they borrow from the Fed. Seems a little suspicious…

            Not only that, but here’s a quote from Paulson in a Bloomberg article.

 

“The rescue package was not intended to be an economic stimulus or an economic recovery package,'' 

 

            So, I suppose the $700 billion (plus over $300 billion of ‘pork’) we spent will eventually be paid back after the American people pay for the ability to pay for more borrowed money. This is completely understandable. You know what? No one needs automobiles anyway. What we really need is more banks. Banks to loan money to other banks to loan money to other banks…*headache*

            I understand there are always two sides to every story and some parts of this aspect seem rational and ‘believable,’ however, today is all about the APOCALYPSE!

 

3. Smokey and the Bandit: Now with 100% Less Sally Field

            Only in Texas will we find massively creative ways to illegally transport immigrants over a territorial border. This concept is not new or shocking to anyone. The part that should scare you is this. Next time you’re thinking about crossing the border into another country illegally, just hop on hoard you’re local Wal-Mart truck.

            Wal-Mart not only exploits third world laborers (and offers Americans excellent prices with crappy quality) they are now unofficially the official transport of illegal aliens.

            Texans don’t take too kindly to that kind of action in these parts. We shoot on site.

            I just got a great idea. I need to find a Hollywood director and producer who would be willing to make my new version of Smokey and the Bandit into a movie for 2010. The part of The Bandit could be played by Jerry Seinfeld and Sally Field’s character could be replaced with a mentally handicapped, sign language ‘speaking’ chimp wearing a ‘Jedi’ robe. All the lines from the chimp can be ‘Make it so!”

 

2. It’s Official; the SEC Hates Basketball

            First Martha Stuart killed television food, now the SEC is determined to forever hate Basketball. As you may or may not have heard, yesterday Mark Cuban was indicted by the SEC for insider trading.

            Mark has released a rebuttal to the claim saying (and I quote):

 

“The SEC can kiss my @!^.” -100% Real (possible falsity)

 

            If you know Mark Cuban, this quote isn’t really hard to believe. He did actually say during a conversation between Cuban and Faure (Mamma.com Chief Executive), “Well now I’m screwed. I can’t sell (the shares).”

            I’m not saying that insider trading should be encouraged, but what’s next? Football? Is that it SEC? Are you going to trample on the dreams of aspiring Football teams? Since you like going after ‘big-time Texas sports franchise owners,” why not set your sights on Jerry Jones. I hear he ‘sells drugs to kids with the help of the Girl Scouts and the Make a Wish Foundation.’ Oh, and he may or may not trade stock...I don’t know. 

            It is truly the end of the world when billionaires are made responsible for their actions. Dark Days be in America.

 

1. “ARRRRGH!”…’What?’ “I said ARRRRR!”

            Pirates. Yes, pirates are here and they are not taking prisoners. All the hope I had growing up being a pirate can actually happen. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as walking the plank anymore. No, that took too much time and there was too much of a chance you could actually survive. Now, anyone can be a pirate with a few easy-to-access items:

 

3 UPS barcodes of your favorite cereal, Radical-O’s, one assault rifle stolen from your dad’s ‘gun club,’ and a couple of hostages.

 

            This whole idea of modern pirates gives me chills. Not because of the fact that there are still pirates around the world, but the possibility that Waterworld may actually exist one day. Kevin Costner fans, I’m sorry to say, need to let him go. Allow him to get a hobby and do something productive with his time.

            Think the threat of pirates won’t happen to you? Imagine taking your yacht out in the bay. It’s just you, your kids, wife, mistress, the whole happy family. Then, as if out of nowhere, you see it…the Jolly Rancher Jolly Roger. What do they want with you? It’s not like you’re poor or own an oil rig, you’re rich. It’s baffling to think what pirates want with someone who can afford their own yacht. Think about that next time you’re out ‘beating the recession’ with good old-fashioned money-spending!

            If nothing else, I’m sure Paulson would bail you out of Pirate Hell if you loaned him some money…or paid your taxes.

 

Conclusion

There it is folks; the count down to the apocalypse is finished. We can all go back to our trading world with none of this affecting our lives. None of this affects the way we travel, communicate, trade, entertain, or borrow. It’s good to be invincible. Now where did I put my $100 bill coaster for my solid gold margarita stein? Because I really don’t need water rings all over my platinum and diamond coffee table made with endangered tiger fur and children’s tears.

 

BTW:   At least one of those items in the countdown is directly caused by Global Warming. You can determine which ones J

 

 

Tim Truelove

National Trainer II, Wizetrade Options